Reasons to be a bio major at JMU:

• When you press E1 on a vending machine for a strawberry bar and you think "Elimination Unimolecular"

• You can name the trees around campus.

• We all love Carey for at least a year.

• When you look at another person, and you know what's going on in that body...

• Physics Major: "what would the velocity be if we hung a bowling ball from the ceiling, and..."
  Biology major: "why the hell would you hang a bowling ball from the ceiling?"

• Collecting virgins.

• Mmmmmm.... yummy specimens.

• Burruss hall, where the animals run free, and the students are caged!

• You definitely know what mitosis and meiosis are by the end of your fifth year.

• Your fragrance of choice whether you like it or not is formaldehyde.

• "I see dead people" :)

Cell Biology Personals:

• "There must be a rational way to meet a date! I'm tired of hanging out in those molecular diversity bars, hoping to randomly bump into the right peptide. I want a molecule that will fit right into my active site and really turn me on. I'll send you my crystal structure if you send me yours!"

• "Mature cell seeks same who still enjoys cycling and won't go apoptotic on me. Let's fight senescence together!"

• "I'm a prolific progenitor with great potential for growth and self-renewal. Call me if you're a potent hematopoietic factor who still believes in endless nights of colony stimulation."

• "I don't always express myself on the surface, but I'm looking for a signal that you appreciate my complexity. Send me the right message that will penetrate my membranes, turn on my protein expression and release my potential energy."

• "Some dates have called me a promotor. Others have referred to me as a real operator. Personally, I think I'm just a cute piece of DNA who is still looking for that special transcription factor to help me unwind."

• "I've been single-stranded too long! Lonely ATGCATG would like to pair up with congenial TACGTAC."

• "Highly sensitive, orally active small molecule seeks stable well-structured receptor who knows size isn't everything."

• "Gene therapy graduate. After years of producing nothing but gibberish, I've shed my exons and am ready to express my introns. All I need is a cute vector to introduce me to the right host."

• "My RNA, I'm sorry I misread your UAAUAAUAA and inserted three tyrosines when you repeatedly asked me to stop. Something got lost in the translation. Please forgive me."

• "Naked DNA with sticky ends seeks kanamycin-resistant plasmid. EcoR1 sites preferred."

• "Uninhibited virus seeks reason to make me shed my coat protein."

• "This very selective oliogonucleotide has been probing for just the right target for long term hybridization."

• "Menage a trois! Ligand seeks two receptors into binding and mutual phosphorylation. Let's get together and transduce some signals."
   

Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic? 

       This is forwarded from a UO graduate, citing one of Dr. Schlambaugh's final test questions for his final exam of 1997. Dr. Schlambaugh of the U. of Oklahoma Chemical Engineering Dept. is known for asking questions on his finals like: "Why do airplanes fly?" In May 1997, the "Momentum, Heat, and Mass Transfer II" final exam question was: "Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

        First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?  I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it does not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

        As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

        With the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.

        [A1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

        [A2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over 

       So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa Banyan during freshman year, that, "It'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then [A2] cannot be true... thus, Hell is exothermic.

       The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

Other random Biology jokes...

Lion Chase
John came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend, Mark, and told him of his adventures.
"I was out in the jungle," he said, "when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit. The lion started gaining on me again, and as he got closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away, so I made toward it. I got close to the house with the lion almost on top of me when he slipped for a third time. With my very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face."

"That's some story there, John. I would have crapped in my pants."

"Well, what do you think the lion kept slipping on???"

Rear End Collision
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

Cow Advice
A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him.
"I believe it's your radiator," said the cow.

The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door.

"A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms franticly back toward the field.

The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly.

"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied.

"Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a darn thing about cars."

 

Chemistry and more random puns
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?.....DAM!

How do you catch a Unique rabbit?......unique up on it

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,"I've lost my
electron."  The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Cockroaches
A housewife called up a pet store and said, "Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches at once."
"What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?" asked the astonished clerk.

"Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them."

And we can't forget the reindeer jokes....
How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?
Don't feed it !

Keep that reindeer out of the house! It's full of fleas!
You'd better stay out of the house, Rudolph - it's full of fleas.

I'm so strong I could lift a reindeer with one hand.
Yeah, but where are we going to find a one-handed reindeer?

If you have anymore, do share! E-mail shahmosh@jmu.edu